Losing is getting more and more painful the farther I fall. I still feel like I should be able to crush these stakes even though reality is suggesting that I'm not really that much better than the rest of the pack of busto clowns who are splashing around at NL50.
I've also fallen into a mindset where every dollar I lose has become so painful because all I can think about is how even if everything goes well from this point on, it's going to take so fucking long to grind back up to where I was and the thought of just sitting here desperately for months before I can make a mere $500 at this stake is just so soul-crushing to me right now. I reread an old citizenwind blog entry from CardRunners that used to motivate me, but now I just find it incredibly discouraging. He basically just decided to wade into NL50 and effortlessly demolished it for $1,000 in about 12,000 hands with his biggest downswing the entire time being about $150. I've lost almost twice that in half the hands. And he found his performance disappointing over this interval and is convinced that someone focused on beating the game could do much better than he did. This used to inspire me but now it just tilts the shit out of me because the message seems to be "there's no such thing as variance if you are a good player."
I'm too mentally and psychologically exhausted to post any hands right now and I don't think I ran into any interesting ones, but maybe I'll go over my most recent sessions and fine a few to post later. I'm kind of reluctant to do so because I don't want to become one of those players who only ever posts thinly-veiled beats under the pretext of getting feedback.
NL50 Progress
-$261.30 / $500.00 after 7,347 hands
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